The Ballad of Mel & Kim

Canadian songstress and master manipulator Sarah McLachlan has managed to warble her way into a fortune by using her refrigerator magnet poetry kit to pen 5 songs every 10 years. 5 songs which she then slaps down alongside evergreen track "Full of Grace" before cutting a check for Pierre Marchand and declaring her new work complete. Did you hear that? Ah yes, the sound of McLachlan starting up the engine of the Lilith Fair gravy train for a new jaunt around the globe in 2010.

It has no doubt occurred to McLachlan that public interest may have waned over the course of the 8 years since she last released an album, and thus she has started to explore new opportunties for continuing to build her mid-tempo empire. Between episodes of "Project Runway" and "Drop Dead Diva", you may have found yourself mesmerized by the image of McLachlan perched on a chaise lounge while directing her dewy stare directly into your soul. Before you can change the channel, she hits start on a PowerPoint presentation featuring one-eyed dogs and feral cats being pulled from dumpsters. Your initial thought is that you should probably donate to the ASPCA, but then your attention shifts to "Angel" playing in the background, a song you haven't heard since the summer of 1997 when you totally thought you and your friend Lisa might be lesbians. Why isn't "Angel" on your iPod? Bam, there you are on iTunes depositing another cut directly into Sarah McLachlan's purse. What was she saying about cats? Who cares, you're in the arms of the angel!

Now that we're all a little bit wiser, the next time you find yourself being lured to iTunes on the verge of making an ill-advised purchase, I would like you to consider donating to a much more worthy cause: the obscure 80s artist. Believe me, these pop stars of yester-year need your money more than female singer-songwriters and three-legged dogs. If you're at a loss for deserving recipients, do the right thing and bump Mel & Kim to the top of your short list. If you never hopped on your Pogo Ball while listening to "Showing Out" and have no recollection of Mel and/or Kim, the first line of their Wikipedia entry tells you everything you need to know.

"Mel and Kim were a British pop duo, comprising sisters Melanie and Kim Appleby. They achieved success between 1986 and 1988 before Melanie succumbed to terminal illness."

For one brief, shining moment, Mel and Kim were living the dream. The sisters Appleby could strut into any Contempo Casuals and declare, "We'll take it ALL!" Take it all, and wear it all at the same time. Now Mel is gone, and Kim no doubt feels her sister side-stepping alongside her like phantom pains from an amputated limb whenever she performs "Showing Out" at a county fair. I like to imagine that whenever somebody downloads a hot Mel and Kim jam, 3 days later Kim herself opens her mailbox to discover a quarter taped to an index card with the note "Paid in full" scrawled in red crayon. She deserves it. They all deserve it.

Ear's the thing...

Patrick noticed that she didn't have an ear, just a fleshy hole where an ear should have been. It looked like the ear had collapsed into the side of her head, perhaps if she sneezed hard enough it would unfurl from the hole like some kind of obscene flower. He soon began to wonder what it would feel like to run his tongue along the edges. "Patrick," she said, "you don't have to scream. I can hear you."

This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof.

As the first week of the new year draws to a close, let’s take a moment to examine how things are progressing. Have you been exercising regularly? Taking your daily remedies? Washing your teeth after meals? Brushing your hair with 100 strokes before bedtime? Wonderful! If you keep this up there’s no telling just how far you’ll go. Rest assured that you are always in my thoughts, and this year I wish you confidence, perseverance, and much success! To that end, I would like to suggest an exercise in creative visualization.

Close your eyes now, take a deep breath, and imagine what it would be like to walk through life as a Palmer Girl. Your expressionless face and empty stare indicate only detachment and a vague sense of ennui, but your lithe frame speaks of an unbridled sexuality which is just out of reach. You dodge verbal barbs with an expertly timed shoulder bob. Misfortune is rendered powerless by a deliciously naughty hip sway. Claim your power. You smite your enemies with a stiletto heel. Cinch your red patent leather belt as tightly as your resolve, and step boldly forward. You are in fact simply irresistible.

Did you feel that? Ah yes, a small but powerful shift within. You are well on your way.

This could be the one.

You had big plans, but then you always have big plans don't you? This time it was an unnecessarily complicated caper involving a murder in every time zone as the clock struck 12. Instead you fell asleep on the couch after eating a frozen pizza and a pint of ice cream. When the sound of the empty container hitting the floor shook you from your slumber, you realized with indifference that you'd missed the big moment by 15 minutes and promptly shuffled off to bed. Happy New Year.