Prince Vlad's Charm School

It goes without saying that Valentine's Day can unleash a bat winged flock of emotions within those of us who are currently flying solo.  From cynical distaste to soul crushing loneliness and despair, you may find yourself shut away in solitude just waiting for the sun to set on this February 14th. 

If this is you, I would like to encourage you to take a moment to acknowledge and embrace your present situation.  You are a true creature of the night!  Step into your power and revel in your freedom. 

Make no mistake; you won't be relegated to the shadows forever.  I understand the yearning for a partner, someone with whom to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.  You are now in the perfect place to formulate a plan and launch an attack on anything you've allowed to stand between you and true love. 

To that end, consider taking a few cues from one of horror cinema's greatest lovers and most tragically misunderstood villains: Count Dracula.  Beneath all the blood-drenched feeding frenzies and gothic trappings lay a soulful heart, a deep yearning for a kindred spirit.  Was he a little eccentric? Sure. Did he renounce God, align himself with the powers of darkness, and have to consume human blood to replenish his strength? Guilty!  You know what? He also lived in a castle, had an amazing wardrobe, and managed to reunite with his beloved twice within the same lifetime. 

I have no doubt that a closer examination of Dracula's own quest for love will put you on the right path. Pencils at the ready!  You are hereby enrolled in a crash course at Prince Vlad's Charm School.  

Principle 1: Believe

Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds... true love?  If you answered yes, then you are already well on your way.

Principle 2: Strategize

Has some pretty young thing caught your attention? Are you reasonably sure that the two of you have walked together in previous lifetimes and are meant to rendezvous in this one as well? Is he or she currently attached?  Ah hah. Identify the competition, and don't for one second entertain the idea that something as trifling as a pre-existing relationship could stand in your way.  Woe be to those who would rail against the power of destiny.  You may need to take action in order to break them up.

Principle 3: Entertain

Throw a singles party and invite all of your eligible friends, including your beloved's current significant other.  They are no doubt weak-willed and will easily fall prey to temptation.  Distraction is your ally.  Before the night is through your competition will be frolicking in a silken bower, drained of blood, disoriented, and powerless to resist.  Now make your move.

Principle 4: Smile!

Do your best to table your social anxiety so you will appear friendly and approachable. Striking up a conversation is never easy, so you will need all the charm and confidence you can muster.

Principle 5: The Conversation Piece

Have a "wow" item, something you can wear or carry which people will notice and want to discuss. How about a gold plated house dress inspired by your favorite painting? Dracula commissioned a little number modeled after Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss". Though your taste may tend towards something a little less ostentatious, never dismiss the link between looking good and feeling good.

Principle 6: Update Your Look

If it feels like it's been a century or two since you dipped a toe into the dating pool, you may want to reassess and update your wardrobe or hairstyle.  Pamper yourself.  Visit a spa for a day of relaxation or consume a few pints of blood to get your swagger back.  You'll look and feel years younger.

Principle 7: The Approach

This is it, you are ready.  Ask them out.  Remember: no means yes.  Learn to accurately interpret body language and pick up on social cues.  All of that nervous hand waving and petticoat flapping indicates that they are definitely interested, no matter how much they may deny it at first.

Principle 8: Not So Fast!

It's never a good idea to put all of your relationship eggs in one basket.  Have a pet project or date somebody else casually on the side to relieve some of the pressure from your other pursuits.  Ideally, go after somebody who's way more invested in the whole thing than you are.  Having a slavishly devoted back-up will boost your confidence and offer a pleasant distraction.

Principle 9: Maintain Your Sense of Self

Never forget that you are perfect and complete as you are.  There's no need to lose yourself in a relationship.  Continue to pursue hobbies and passions on your own.  A burgeoning interest in real estate or a Centuries long vendetta against God and all that is holy would do nicely. 

Principle 10: Support

It's important to have a network of trusted friends you can turn to for support.  Consider a devoted band of gypsies who can cultivate sacred earth from your homeland who might also be willing to bring you ice cream and listen to you cry after a particularly painful break-up.

Principle 11: Dating Etiquette

Feel out the situation and initiate serious conversations when the time is right.   Avoid potentially awkward topics like your wife's suicide or the real estate agent you drove to madness who is currently residing in an asylum awaiting your instructions.

Principle 12: Restraint

Passion is an asset!  However, you may want to resist any instinct to unleash the beast and go for the jugular until your date gives permission and acknowledges that he or she is on board with the kinky stuff. 

Principle 13: The Journey is the Destination

Remember, the most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself.  Heal any old wounds which may be acting as a barrier to intimacy.  Make peace with the past.  Make peace with yourself. 

Refer back to these principles as necessary should you hit any rough patches on your quest to find true love. Best of luck! I have no doubt that at this time next year things will be looking very different for you. 

Happy Valentine's Day

A Chip on your shoulder is worth two in the bush.

Six people have been sent to a place they've never been before to determine if it is haunted. They record their own experiences. There is no film crew. They are alone. The people are real. The place is real. The fear is real.

When the used-up, bloated, over-hyped corpse of the Blair Witch washed up on the shore of the new millennium, MTV was one of the first scavengers to begin shamelessly feeding on the remains. "Fear", a paranormal reality/game show, helped usher in a flock of wide-eyed spook hunters all armed with night vision cameras and one burning question: "Did you hear that??" 

Given my affinity for horror, the supernatural, and cash grabs, I was instantly smitten with "Fear" when I stumbled upon a repeat of the premiere late one Saturday night.  I'm not easily unnerved, so I was pleasantly surprised to find myself glancing nervously around the room over the course of the hour and quickly became hooked.

Each episode six contestants were charged with completing a series of dares in an effort to a) authenticate reports of paranormal tomfoolery at your run-of-the-mill local abandoned sanitarium, and b) win a ridiculously small cash prize.  The show claimed that its participants were documenting their own experiences with no production crew on the premises, although I would be shocked if at least one PA wasn't stationed in a broom closet supplying the proper motivation by moaning and rattling garbage can lids.  

Ghosts or no ghosts, the real intrigue of "Fear" stemmed from trying to determine just how suggestible the contestants were while waiting to see if they'd abandon ship when required to do something unholy like reenact a suicide.  I have no doubt that if I was left alone in the West Virginia State Penitentiary's (shudder) "Sugar Shack", within five minutes I would feel phantom shanks stabbing at my exposed skin and be snitchin' to my teammates to get me out of there 'cause I don't wanna become no ghost's bitchmeat.  

"Fear" was unceremoniously yanked from the air in 2002 after a short run, perhaps because the show quickly spiraled out of control with the dares becoming hilariously over-the-top during the second season.  Bewildered sixteen-year-old girls were routinely asked to do things like renounce Christ and use chicken blood to draw a pentagram while summoning the Angel of Death.  With the show no longer in production, those of us looking for the same charge had to turn to the likes of "Ghost Hunters" and "A Haunting",  although this new crop of imitators abandoned the competitive format of "Fear" in favor of featuring the exploits of professional paranormal investigators.  Hats off to the prim and proper British crew of "Most Haunted" who manage to crank out hours of programming which consist of nothing more than, "If you're here please give us a sign.  Was that you knocking?  Could you do it again please?  Now knock three times on the ceiling if you want me."   

The best of the bunch (and by best I mean worst) is "Paranormal State" which currently airs on A&E. Premiering in 2007, "Paranormal State" follows the ragtag crew of the Penn State Paranormal Research Society as they investigate hauntings, possessions, and temperamental Native American shape shifters.  They're also not opposed to busting out a big net for the occasional Mothman or Jersey Devil.  Rascals!

Team Director Ryan Buell leads the weekly charge with man-child Sergey providing tech support and weird sexual tension.  Eilfie is a self-proclaimed occult specialist who is fluent in Wiccan practices and early '90s fashion, but whose grasp of the English language is slightly more hazy as her mealy-mouthed monologues usually require subtitles.  Heather and Katrina can be found at the library gathering facts via the last remaining microfiche machines in the world in an attempt to figure out whose unidentified remains buried under the porch are the likely source of all the trouble. 

Indeed, the show's success and inherent so-bad-it's-good watchability rest squarely on the shoulders of its charisma-free cast, most of whom barely seem capable of hiding their contempt for their clientele.  Ryan is the worst offender as in the midst of conducting interviews he frequently seems to be stifling laughter or offering a condescending smirk as he waits for his turn to read the cue card.  To be fair, most of the yahoos who have the Penn State Paranormal Research Society on speed dial are frustratingly obtuse.  Ryan practically palm slaps his forehead when, after much prodding, a client reveals that he brought the wrath of the netherworld on himself by dabbling in the occult and allowing his brother-in-law to summon a shadow demon in the basement.  Amateurs. 

The team's shotgun spiritual approach to combating these malevolent forces can include burying St. Christopher medals on the cursed property, Native American smudging, or New Agey blessings muttered from Eilfie's clenched jaw. But when a confrontation with a demonic interloper gets too out of control for five eighteen-year-olds armed with tape recorders, the show calls in the big guns by way of psychic powerhouse Chip Coffey. 

If you've never watched "Paranormal State" but find that Mr. Coffey still looks familiar, it's probably because he resembles your Aunt Shirley who used to always show up at family gatherings with her "roommate" in tow.  In the interest of authenticity, Chip is always brought to a location having been given no background information and without any prior knowledge of the case.  For some inexplicable reason, this process also requires that he arrive on the scene blindfolded and led by two comely male escorts, not unlike Ian McKellan on Oscar night. 

Chip is able to immediately discern a spirit's dubious intent thanks to his keen psychic gaze.  As he wanders from room to room reading energy, he clutches his purse and flaps his summer scarf to indicate that the activity is running particularly high.  Chip was recently seen poking around a basement which played host to a series of swinging orgies in an episode subtly titled "Sex Dungeon".  Upon determining that the bad vibes seemed to be emanating from a pleasure post in the corner, Chip wasted no time in spreading his legs and grasping it firmly from both sides.  Seconds later he howled like a wounded Beagle and recoiled in horror, no doubt in response to the visions of man-woman coupling that had flooded his mind. 

Chip Coffey is a real trooper with a firm commitment to ferreting out evil.  If that requires him to voluntarily allow a spirit to enter his body then so be it!  He's always eager to subject himself to any number of humiliations, including a series highpoint called The Ganzfeld Experiment which found Chip restrained with ping pong balls taped to his eyes and a red light flashing in his face.  The Experiment was supposed to heighten Chip's ability to communicate with the dead, but mostly he just jerked and screamed a lot.   

Chip's considerable powers must be permitted to benefit as many people as possible, and thus A&E has provided him with a spin-off called "Psychic Kids".  Think of it as "The Facts of Life" to your "Diff'rent Strokes" with Chip striking out on his own like a ghost hunting Mrs. Garrett to mentor a new generation of the gifted.  Each episode finds Mr. Coffey escorting a group of children to a supposedly haunted location intent on teaching them how to navigate the world of the paranormal.  His primary concern seems to be offering instruction on blocking advances from pesky spooks who are looking for "Sixth Sense" style assistance.  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Chip helps the kids practice by lumbering into their rooms in the middle of the night with his pants around his ankles. 

I miss MTV's "Fear", I really do.  Though the novelty may have worn off quickly, the show was effective and more than a little fun.  "Paranormal State" may not be the ideal successor, but it does an admirable job of filling the void for those of us who would go outside to investigate a strange noise and find ourselves incapable of turning away from these shows despite their absurdity. Of course, answers are perpetually elusive, evidence is less than concrete, and the Penn State Paranormal Research Society is usually the only thing going bump in the night. Still, if on a crisp October night you find yourself in the mood for a little ghost play, you could do a lot worse than Chip Coffey.

Blind Sided.

Oh, Sandy! We cannot deny the fact that 2009 was your year. Out of nowhere, a perfect storm began to brew on the horizon of your flagging career, and before you knew it you were dancing in a torrential downpour of box office dollars and award nominations. Now close your mouth and quit gawking at the sky. You know what happens to turkeys who wander out into the rain, don't you? They say turkeys are so fascinated by what they see that they will continue to look straight up at the sky with their mouths open until they drown. They drown, Sandy. OK, OK, shhh. Don't get scared. No, that's not actually true, and no I'm not saying your intelligence is on par with that of a turkey. I just don't want you to end up with an Oscar lodged in your mouth! Let's face it, the chances of that happening are looking pretty good. Now go dust off your mantel, this next part doesn't concern you.

I'll dispense with any tedious protests over the fact that Sandra Bullock managed to garner an Oscar nomination with her performance in "The Blind Side". However, in my opinion there was one unforgivable snub in the Best Actress category which simply cannot be overlooked. Isabelle Fuhrman, star of new-classic "Orphan", was robbed.

Young Ms. Fuhrman truly wowed me with her turn as a 35-year-old Russian dwarf masquerading as a 9-year-old orphan named Esther. I highly doubt Sandra Bullock has the acting chops to offer a cinematic moment more gratifying than when Esther scrubs off her pancake makeup with a steel wool brush and rips out her pageant dentures to reveal the haggy stubs beneath. Although she had me going for a second in the "The Proposal" with her perfomance as a 45-year-old actress pretending to be a 25-year-old career woman. But back to Isabelle Fuhrman. She paints! She uses sign language! She whispers threats in a thick accent as intoxicating as authentic Russian vodka. When Esther breaks her own arm in a last ditch effort to drive a wedge between the troubled Colemans, she earns her place alongside Damien ("The Omen"), Rhoda ("The Bad Seed"), and all those insane little bastards who tormented Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Kindergarten Cop". The only criticism I can offer is that she could have gone all the way by donning a merkin and giving us the shocking full frontal shower reveal we were all waiting for, but that's easily overlooked when I remember the sheer zeal with which she hammered a defenseless nun to death.

Isabelle Fuhrman, for my money you were truly the best actress of 2009. Well done, you crazy Russian bitch. Well done.