It goes without saying that Valentine's Day can unleash a bat winged flock of emotions within those of us who are currently flying solo. From cynical distaste to soul crushing loneliness and despair, you may find yourself shut away in solitude just waiting for the sun to set on this February 14th.
If this is you, I would like to encourage you to take a moment to acknowledge and embrace your present situation. You are a true creature of the night! Step into your power and revel in your freedom.
Make no mistake; you won't be relegated to the shadows forever. I understand the yearning for a partner, someone with whom to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade. You are now in the perfect place to formulate a plan and launch an attack on anything you've allowed to stand between you and true love.
To that end, consider taking a few cues from one of horror cinema's greatest lovers and most tragically misunderstood villains: Count Dracula. Beneath all the blood-drenched feeding frenzies and gothic trappings lay a soulful heart, a deep yearning for a kindred spirit. Was he a little eccentric? Sure. Did he renounce God, align himself with the powers of darkness, and have to consume human blood to replenish his strength? Guilty! You know what? He also lived in a castle, had an amazing wardrobe, and managed to reunite with his beloved twice within the same lifetime.
I have no doubt that a closer examination of Dracula's own quest for love will put you on the right path. Pencils at the ready! You are hereby enrolled in a crash course at Prince Vlad's Charm School.
Principle 1: Believe
Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds... true love? If you answered yes, then you are already well on your way.
Principle 2: Strategize
Has some pretty young thing caught your attention? Are you reasonably sure that the two of you have walked together in previous lifetimes and are meant to rendezvous in this one as well? Is he or she currently attached? Ah hah. Identify the competition, and don't for one second entertain the idea that something as trifling as a pre-existing relationship could stand in your way. Woe be to those who would rail against the power of destiny. You may need to take action in order to break them up.
Principle 3: Entertain
Throw a singles party and invite all of your eligible friends, including your beloved's current significant other. They are no doubt weak-willed and will easily fall prey to temptation. Distraction is your ally. Before the night is through your competition will be frolicking in a silken bower, drained of blood, disoriented, and powerless to resist. Now make your move.
Principle 4: Smile!
Do your best to table your social anxiety so you will appear friendly and approachable. Striking up a conversation is never easy, so you will need all the charm and confidence you can muster.
Principle 5: The Conversation Piece
Have a "wow" item, something you can wear or carry which people will notice and want to discuss. How about a gold plated house dress inspired by your favorite painting? Dracula commissioned a little number modeled after Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss". Though your taste may tend towards something a little less ostentatious, never dismiss the link between looking good and feeling good.
If it feels like it's been a century or two since you dipped a toe into the dating pool, you may want to reassess and update your wardrobe or hairstyle. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa for a day of relaxation or consume a few pints of blood to get your swagger back. You'll look and feel years younger.
Principle 7: The Approach
This is it, you are ready. Ask them out. Remember: no means yes. Learn to accurately interpret body language and pick up on social cues. All of that nervous hand waving and petticoat flapping indicates that they are definitely interested, no matter how much they may deny it at first.
Principle 8: Not So Fast!
It's never a good idea to put all of your relationship eggs in one basket. Have a pet project or date somebody else casually on the side to relieve some of the pressure from your other pursuits. Ideally, go after somebody who's way more invested in the whole thing than you are. Having a slavishly devoted back-up will boost your confidence and offer a pleasant distraction.
Principle 9: Maintain Your Sense of Self
Never forget that you are perfect and complete as you are. There's no need to lose yourself in a relationship. Continue to pursue hobbies and passions on your own. A burgeoning interest in real estate or a Centuries long vendetta against God and all that is holy would do nicely.
Principle 10: Support
It's important to have a network of trusted friends you can turn to for support. Consider a devoted band of gypsies who can cultivate sacred earth from your homeland who might also be willing to bring you ice cream and listen to you cry after a particularly painful break-up.
Principle 11: Dating Etiquette
Feel out the situation and initiate serious conversations when the time is right. Avoid potentially awkward topics like your wife's suicide or the real estate agent you drove to madness who is currently residing in an asylum awaiting your instructions.
Principle 12: Restraint
Passion is an asset! However, you may want to resist any instinct to unleash the beast and go for the jugular until your date gives permission and acknowledges that he or she is on board with the kinky stuff.
Principle 13: The Journey is the Destination
Remember, the most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. Heal any old wounds which may be acting as a barrier to intimacy. Make peace with the past. Make peace with yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day
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