A Chip on your shoulder is worth two in the bush.

Six people have been sent to a place they've never been before to determine if it is haunted. They record their own experiences. There is no film crew. They are alone. The people are real. The place is real. The fear is real.

When the used-up, bloated, over-hyped corpse of the Blair Witch washed up on the shore of the new millennium, MTV was one of the first scavengers to begin shamelessly feeding on the remains. "Fear", a paranormal reality/game show, helped usher in a flock of wide-eyed spook hunters all armed with night vision cameras and one burning question: "Did you hear that??" 

Given my affinity for horror, the supernatural, and cash grabs, I was instantly smitten with "Fear" when I stumbled upon a repeat of the premiere late one Saturday night.  I'm not easily unnerved, so I was pleasantly surprised to find myself glancing nervously around the room over the course of the hour and quickly became hooked.

Each episode six contestants were charged with completing a series of dares in an effort to a) authenticate reports of paranormal tomfoolery at your run-of-the-mill local abandoned sanitarium, and b) win a ridiculously small cash prize.  The show claimed that its participants were documenting their own experiences with no production crew on the premises, although I would be shocked if at least one PA wasn't stationed in a broom closet supplying the proper motivation by moaning and rattling garbage can lids.  

Ghosts or no ghosts, the real intrigue of "Fear" stemmed from trying to determine just how suggestible the contestants were while waiting to see if they'd abandon ship when required to do something unholy like reenact a suicide.  I have no doubt that if I was left alone in the West Virginia State Penitentiary's (shudder) "Sugar Shack", within five minutes I would feel phantom shanks stabbing at my exposed skin and be snitchin' to my teammates to get me out of there 'cause I don't wanna become no ghost's bitchmeat.  

"Fear" was unceremoniously yanked from the air in 2002 after a short run, perhaps because the show quickly spiraled out of control with the dares becoming hilariously over-the-top during the second season.  Bewildered sixteen-year-old girls were routinely asked to do things like renounce Christ and use chicken blood to draw a pentagram while summoning the Angel of Death.  With the show no longer in production, those of us looking for the same charge had to turn to the likes of "Ghost Hunters" and "A Haunting",  although this new crop of imitators abandoned the competitive format of "Fear" in favor of featuring the exploits of professional paranormal investigators.  Hats off to the prim and proper British crew of "Most Haunted" who manage to crank out hours of programming which consist of nothing more than, "If you're here please give us a sign.  Was that you knocking?  Could you do it again please?  Now knock three times on the ceiling if you want me."   

The best of the bunch (and by best I mean worst) is "Paranormal State" which currently airs on A&E. Premiering in 2007, "Paranormal State" follows the ragtag crew of the Penn State Paranormal Research Society as they investigate hauntings, possessions, and temperamental Native American shape shifters.  They're also not opposed to busting out a big net for the occasional Mothman or Jersey Devil.  Rascals!

Team Director Ryan Buell leads the weekly charge with man-child Sergey providing tech support and weird sexual tension.  Eilfie is a self-proclaimed occult specialist who is fluent in Wiccan practices and early '90s fashion, but whose grasp of the English language is slightly more hazy as her mealy-mouthed monologues usually require subtitles.  Heather and Katrina can be found at the library gathering facts via the last remaining microfiche machines in the world in an attempt to figure out whose unidentified remains buried under the porch are the likely source of all the trouble. 

Indeed, the show's success and inherent so-bad-it's-good watchability rest squarely on the shoulders of its charisma-free cast, most of whom barely seem capable of hiding their contempt for their clientele.  Ryan is the worst offender as in the midst of conducting interviews he frequently seems to be stifling laughter or offering a condescending smirk as he waits for his turn to read the cue card.  To be fair, most of the yahoos who have the Penn State Paranormal Research Society on speed dial are frustratingly obtuse.  Ryan practically palm slaps his forehead when, after much prodding, a client reveals that he brought the wrath of the netherworld on himself by dabbling in the occult and allowing his brother-in-law to summon a shadow demon in the basement.  Amateurs. 

The team's shotgun spiritual approach to combating these malevolent forces can include burying St. Christopher medals on the cursed property, Native American smudging, or New Agey blessings muttered from Eilfie's clenched jaw. But when a confrontation with a demonic interloper gets too out of control for five eighteen-year-olds armed with tape recorders, the show calls in the big guns by way of psychic powerhouse Chip Coffey. 

If you've never watched "Paranormal State" but find that Mr. Coffey still looks familiar, it's probably because he resembles your Aunt Shirley who used to always show up at family gatherings with her "roommate" in tow.  In the interest of authenticity, Chip is always brought to a location having been given no background information and without any prior knowledge of the case.  For some inexplicable reason, this process also requires that he arrive on the scene blindfolded and led by two comely male escorts, not unlike Ian McKellan on Oscar night. 

Chip is able to immediately discern a spirit's dubious intent thanks to his keen psychic gaze.  As he wanders from room to room reading energy, he clutches his purse and flaps his summer scarf to indicate that the activity is running particularly high.  Chip was recently seen poking around a basement which played host to a series of swinging orgies in an episode subtly titled "Sex Dungeon".  Upon determining that the bad vibes seemed to be emanating from a pleasure post in the corner, Chip wasted no time in spreading his legs and grasping it firmly from both sides.  Seconds later he howled like a wounded Beagle and recoiled in horror, no doubt in response to the visions of man-woman coupling that had flooded his mind. 

Chip Coffey is a real trooper with a firm commitment to ferreting out evil.  If that requires him to voluntarily allow a spirit to enter his body then so be it!  He's always eager to subject himself to any number of humiliations, including a series highpoint called The Ganzfeld Experiment which found Chip restrained with ping pong balls taped to his eyes and a red light flashing in his face.  The Experiment was supposed to heighten Chip's ability to communicate with the dead, but mostly he just jerked and screamed a lot.   

Chip's considerable powers must be permitted to benefit as many people as possible, and thus A&E has provided him with a spin-off called "Psychic Kids".  Think of it as "The Facts of Life" to your "Diff'rent Strokes" with Chip striking out on his own like a ghost hunting Mrs. Garrett to mentor a new generation of the gifted.  Each episode finds Mr. Coffey escorting a group of children to a supposedly haunted location intent on teaching them how to navigate the world of the paranormal.  His primary concern seems to be offering instruction on blocking advances from pesky spooks who are looking for "Sixth Sense" style assistance.  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Chip helps the kids practice by lumbering into their rooms in the middle of the night with his pants around his ankles. 

I miss MTV's "Fear", I really do.  Though the novelty may have worn off quickly, the show was effective and more than a little fun.  "Paranormal State" may not be the ideal successor, but it does an admirable job of filling the void for those of us who would go outside to investigate a strange noise and find ourselves incapable of turning away from these shows despite their absurdity. Of course, answers are perpetually elusive, evidence is less than concrete, and the Penn State Paranormal Research Society is usually the only thing going bump in the night. Still, if on a crisp October night you find yourself in the mood for a little ghost play, you could do a lot worse than Chip Coffey.